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Al Qaeda Signs Deal With A&E For Duck Dynasty Spin-Off "American Taliban"

Al Qaeda and Duck Dynasty Team Up to Produce American Taliban Reality Show

Tuesday July 29th, 2014:

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba -- The A&E television network was pleased to announce in an early morning press conference, from an unspecified location in Pakistan, that it has finally reached an agreement with the top brass of Al Qaeda to produce the Duck Dynasty spin-off "American Taliban". The long awaited reality show will give ordinary Americans intimate insight into holy jihad, including the rural and religious values of the valiant mujahideen and their wives, who will have non-speaking roles.

The top-level executives of both networks have said they expect it to fit in nicely with the rest of their programs.

"It was time to get our message across to a more mainstream audience," said al-Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri in a recording, which was passed along to Al Jazeera via agents in Qatar, "expressing the righteous path of Islam in the language of the infidels."

The show will feature "enemy combatants" currently being held prisoner at the military base in Guantanamo Bay, according to producers still negotiating the details of their release, who are expected to return to the United States later this year under the rules of international law for a brave new world of wacky adventures. "We do not want to lose the lucrative American prison system to our rivals," said Khalid Sheikh Mohammad between water boarding sessions, "we did not go through all of this just so ISIS could establish the caliphate."

Starring infamous U.S. citizen and expatriate John Walker Lindh in the role of "Truck Commander", who will soon be released for good behavior, Lindh will be charged with the unenviable job of keeping the unruly sleeper cell focused on the task at hand. He will be relentlessly teased for acting like a woman by his non-American cast mates, who are expected to be given folksy nicknames, with much of the humor of the show being his daily struggle to bridge the culture gap between them and society.

While al-Qaeda has said the group will be financed in the traditional way, without the need for taxable income, they are expected to follow the tried and true Duck Dynasty model. Lindh will manage the family business, selling their own brand of hunting tools. Their well-funded operation will involve the production and distribution of home-made improvised explosive devices throughout the continental United States.

"Bombs don't kill people," Lindh assured interrogators, "people kill people."

When asked how the Duck Dynasty clan felt about being associated with camouflaged bomb making, Uncle "Si" Robertson defused concerns of a conflict of interests: "Fastest way to go fishin'. Never did cotton much to that A.T.F. malarkey."

While not related to the Robertson family in any way, all parties involved agree that there is an undeniable spiritual kinship between them. Beyond the most basic elements of "guns, glory, and God", as well as a shared fashion sense and rustic sensibility, they agree on the indisputable importance of old fashioned family values. They reject the corrupting power of hedonism, which they say runs rampant in the liberal media.

"The Great Satan wishes to seduce us all from submitting to the will of Allah," Lindh told us, "which is why we will always end our show with scenes of the mujahid praying towards Mecca. We will show the dogs of Hollywood our feet to shame them."

While the Islamic group of Saudi, Uzbek, and Pakistani soldiers who will supplement the American-born jihadis do feel the Robertson men have allowed their women to dress as whores and be publicly disobedient, family patriarch Phil Robertson was quick to downplay the cultural disparity as merely cosmetic and a fault of circumstance: "As I've said before, you'd have to be a fool to wait until they are 20. It is best to marry her by 15, if she can cook, before she gets tarted up. With her parents' permission, of course."

Surviving a close call with network censorship last year, Phil noted Al Qaeda's own patriarch Osama bin Laden was infamously silenced by the federal government, which is why it is important to stand your ground with your convictions. He would rather not have a show at all than recant their shared views on homosexuals and bestiality, for example, saying: "Sin is a gateway drug. Once you start down that path, boy, you will end up accepting everything."

"Phil was part of that whole hippie generation. He saw the counter-culture up close and ultimately saw through it," John Walker Lindh explained in Phil's defense, "so we have a lot in common. I was once a Marin County hot-tubber, with an avowed homosexual for a father. There is no end to their depravity. Thankfully, I found God."

American Taliban is expected to spend much of its time shooting, both figuratively and literally, in the backwaters of the Southern United States. They will engage in elaborate training exercises and obstacle courses, away from the prying eyes of jack-booted thugs from the government. While there is expected to be a fair amount of overlap between the two shows, many have wondered about the incompatibility of their religions.

"We certainly don't agree on the divinity of Christ, obviously," Phil Robertson said, "but they still acknowledge Jesus was the Messiah. It's not like it's hard to see where they're coming from. They just want to put it all on the big man upstairs."

"These boys are alright," Robertson continued, "they really know the meaning of spiritual warfare. We sure as hell have a lot more in common with them than the people they say are watching our show."


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