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National Rifle Association: "Ecosystems Only Preservable By Arming Primates"

Chimpanzee With AK-47 Because They Drew First Blood

Monday Aug. 4th, 2014:

FAIRFAX, V.A. -- The National Rifle Association stirred considerable controversy this week with an unexpected overture for solidarity to the environmentalist lobby, calling for the preservation of threatened wildlife by extending "certain inalienable rights" to our closest relatives in the animal kingdom. With the individual right to own Class III firearms and rocket-propelled grenade launchers as God intended, the rugged survivalists would be able to defend themselves where governments have failed them.

"It is time for us all to acknowledge our evolutionary heritage with other apes, and extend to them the basic rights and dignities of man," said Wayne LaPierre, Vice President of the N.R.A., "amongst which would include life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and the right to bear arms."

Their proposal for training primates in the use of modern weaponry was widely endorsed by conservative think-tanks throughout the Beltway, with the American Enterprise Institute praising it for "shifting the focus from global warming to the much more immediate threat to biodiversity posed by poaching and habitat loss." It was characterized as "quite moderate" by the Heritage Foundation, since it "would only arm the Great Apes, Old, and New World monkeys."

With Rush Limbaugh calling the proposed legislation "a glowing model for future bipartisan cooperation", MSNBC has yet to cover the story at all, with Rachel Maddow saying only: "I.. I'm... I can't even."

Extending the conservationist cause of "Great Ape personhood" to include a natural law theory of property rights, which the Sierra Club has condemned as "obscene", the stunning conceptual breakthrough unifies a variety of conflicting intellectual traditions. "Cultural and physical anthropology would synergize with the sociobiology of laissez-faire economics," the N.R.A. position paper argues, "forming a grand unified theory of social science" tentatively called "New Social Darwinism."

Conceding that money has historically arisen from the credit-debt structure of gift exchange or weregild societies rather than barter, as neoclassical economists had falsely assumed, the proposal suggests that the sovereignty of instinctual property rights can be thought of as forming the primordial basis of "hidden capital" not yet being exploited by higher primates.

Borrowing Hernando de Soto's work on the poverty trap of inaccessible collateral in the Third World, which holds that the poor are unable to use their informal land ownership as a basis of credit because their title is not legally recognized, thus warping the market, the new theory suggests that "the Malthusian state of privation suffered by our distant cousins ultimately originates in insufficiently developed financial markets." The rituals of banking and fiduciary media would be intuitive for them, say neuroeconomists, because "monkey see, monkey do."

Free-market champions defending the proposal claim that not only are apes more rational than humans in game theoretic terms, but that their "see no evil, do no evil" philosophy is inherently opposed to regulation. "The only barrier to homesteading by monkeys is their inability to properly demarcate their territory," argued the Cato Institute, which has even suggested that since chimpanzees have innovated weapons on their own --- hunting other primates for their bushmeat or the sake of showing off, just like humans do --- the law of comparative advantage justifies "accelerating their development" with the mutual gains of free trade.

"Their problems with eminent domain would be instantly solved by selling them rifles," Cato argued. "With fully automatic weapons and high capacity magazines, they would be able to spray trespassers from the canopy. It would be impossible to steal their territory."

Arguing that nations with significant command-and-control aspects to their economy have historically had no incentive to preserve the market value of property --- with the old Soviet Union and China being prime examples of rampant environmental degradation --- the N.R.A. is trying to convince environmentalists that regulation-based systems like state and national park reserves will never be sufficient for preventing privateering from modern day robber barons, who operate in the lawless regions of corrupt states with bribery and extortion.

"The tribal cultures in the Amazon would also be greatly aided with assault rifles. No one from the government is there to protect them or their property from international drug traffickers," said LaPierre, suggesting a role for intrepid entrepreneurs, expanding new markets. He added: "Imagine what it would do for Africa if they had enough guns to preserve order. That is the foundation of all prosperity."

"For too long conservatives have dismissed the necessity of conservation itself," the hunting group lobbyist continued in defense of the wilderness, "we need to go back to our roots. When Teddy Roosevelt established those parks, he knew nature had to be preserved for future generations, or else there will be nothing left to shoot."

Some have argued that the apes have no concept of money or "property" as such, with Amnesty International saying the whole thing is "a disgusting sham for expanding the international arms trade in impoverished countries." One primatologist said she "became physically ill" upon hearing the Gun Owners of America statement, which was a rare gesture of support for the more moderate wing of the gun rights movement: "When they come shooting for those monkeys, they'll think twice when they shoot right back."

Scientists were forced to concede that they have taught monkeys to use money before, however, and were thus imposing their own "anti-capitalist" values on them by taking it away simply because "they were gambling and prostituting themselves." Though economists admit that the bonobos are "unabashed socialists", they say there is still hope for the chimpanzees.

"Perhaps one day they will use their land holdings as collateral," said one investment banker in a National Geographic op-ed, "ushering forth a new era of capital investment in the rainforests, where they will destroy their own habitats all by themselves."


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