The Tragic Jester Inquisitor

"You provide the news, we'll provide the war."

Enormous Penis Found In Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation

Penis of God Imprints Itself Into Universe On All Scales of Space and Time, Discovered in Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation by BICEP2 Team

Sunday Aug. 17th, 2014:

SOUTH POLE, Antarctica -- The Harvard-Smithsonian team that has been criticized for prematurely announcing the detection of primordial gravitational waves last March now claims to have made a startling new discovery that was hidden within their data. "It is unmistakable," said Harvard astrophysicist John Kovac, principal investigator of the BICEP2 team, "there is an enormous penis across the sky. It was staring us in the face the whole time."

The shocking result has swept the field of cosmology by storm, with theorists struggling to grapple with the unexpected vindication of the anthropic principle and what seems to be irrefutable proof of the existence of God.

"There had always been a question of 'fine-tuning' of cosmological parameters that allowed life to be possible," said Sir Roger Penrose, Emeritus Professor of Oxford University, "or more basically, why we should happen to exist in a universe such as ours when slight variations in fundamental constants would have made what we see impossible."

The cosmic microwave background represents the remnant heat left over from the Big Bang, according to standard cosmology, illustrating the large scale structure of the universe at the time space first became transparent to light. Often described as "the perfect blackbody", it is now only a faint whimper beneath all of the hotness that followed it. The radiation is overwhelmingly uniform across space, with temperature variations smaller than 1 part in 100,000.

These originated in the early density fluctuations in the cosmic dust, using a cold black dildo model, which became the seeds of galaxy formation. What was previously thought of as a "cosmic fingerprint" is now interpreted in terms of a higher-dimensional membrane, which suggests we exist because of a "spontaneous breaking of the cosmic condom." The imprint would have rapidly stretched over billions of light years, thanks to the process of cosmic inflation.

"Now, it appears that we are quite literally a 'baby universe'," said Baron Martin Rees, the Royal Astronomer and former President of the Royal Society, "the product of sexual intercourse with some incredibly old black hole."

The Big Bang theory holds the universe began "young and tight" in an unimaginably hot, dense state that rapidly expanded prior to the formation of matter. Its emergence with the stretching of space, analogous to coitus, was the result of a slight imbalance making stars and galaxies accidental survivors in a process of high-energy collisions with the cosmic equivalent of spermicide. "It is not quite what I had in mind with the fecund universes theory," said Lee Smolin, "but perhaps selection in cosmological evolution happens on an even grander scale than we imagined."

Religions across the world are incredibly conflicted over the theological implications, as creation appears to be both intentional and accidental, in the same way as most children. The role of "globular clusters" now sounds obscene. The Vatican Observatory has said the doctrine of original sin is being reconsidered in Rome, but the cardinals are wary of jumping to any hasty conclusions given that the virgin universe would surely have been an immaculate conception.

"It was more beautiful than I ever dreamed," said a teary-eyed Freeman Dyson, another Templeton Prize winner.

Mathematicians are trying to clarify that the cosmic microwave fluctuations are a power-law distribution, by which they mean to say the public should not be led to believe there is a single "Penis of God." Rather, what was previously understood as structureless features of "soap bubbles" on the largest scales is now known to be fractal, with the long filaments of galaxy clusters and vast intergalactic voids representing microcosmic images of "the big bang" itself.

The universe is best thought of as a vast web of "banging", symmetrically distributed throughout the cosmos. These bangs are echoes left over from the universe screaming with ecstasy, which researchers say neatly explains dark energy and ΛCDM models from both bottom-up and top-down perspectives, as well as other more exotic positions.

The twisting in the polarization of light that was initially attributed to gravitational waves from the period of cosmic inflation --- which was the initial penetration in the Big Bang, the gravity waves being the ripples of the vaginal walls of the universe, when space itself stretched much faster than the speed of light --- had been argued by some critics to have not been a true signal at all, originating solely in the interaction of light with "the cosmic sand up her gash."

The Harvard team now says the "foreskin problem" is reconciled by their new signal, since the universe is screwing on all scales of space and time. "There are penises everywhere," their study concludes, "it explains everything." The universe is now thought to be "mid-thrust", with girth understated by the same relativistic effects as "fingering."

The awesome power of the discovery has only deepened the mystery of the cosmos for many astronomers, who say their students are overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and insignificance compared to the grandeur of God.

Women physicists remain completely unconvinced by the new theory, however, with one cosmologist saying in an review that cannot get funding or past peer review: "It is everything that is wrong with male dominated science. They will say absolutely anything to get in first. I swear to God, they only think with their dicks."


Copyright, The Tragic Jester. All Rights Reserved. (C) 2014.