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Washington Redskins Change Their Name To "Existential Revisionists"

Washington Redskins Mix Existentialism With Historical Revisionism

Monday Aug. 25th, 2014:

LANDOVER, M.D. -- The Washington Redskins shocked the country last month with the surprise announcement of their rebranding, but the controversy has only spiraled as the nation fills with fear and loathing. While first thought to have been a change of heart given the history of racism surrounding the "redskins" slur, the franchise has vehemently rejected this interpretation as the hollowness of liberal hypocrisy.

The team is now mocking race as "a counter-revolutionary superstition." Calling their action "purely arbitrary", it is a meaningless gesture, since "the bourgeois nationalisms of the ruling elite are delusions born of bad faith."

Now branded the "Existential Revisionists", Washington has quickly become the most terrifying franchise in the National Football League. They have set out to "sabotage the ideological subtexts" of football itself, revealing the contradictions inherent in the sport, having deconstructed its hegemonic power narratives and thus profoundly nauseated the masses with their own alienation.

"It's nothing but bread and circuses." John Madden despaired. "The rules are our prison. It was all a language game."

Contrary to expectations, indeed all possible expectations, the team has intentionally kept the Native American chieftain logo, confusing liberal objectors who felt it was offensive. Hewing to Enlightenment dogma, it was claimed to be "self-evident."

These critics were summarily dubbed "crypto-fascists" by the revisionist coaches who, along with their first draft picks from revolutionary FARC and former Red Army Faction commandos, dismissed them as "apologists for the late modes of capitalist production." The so-called "reality" in question is only a socio-linguistic construct, they say, which is "nothing more than a simulation of a simulation."

Their logo is now a "détournement" that ruptures the discourse of the establishment press by assaulting it from the far left, inspired by situationist praxis from the French student radical movement of the 1960s. Waging a "war of subversion on the society of the spectacle", polls show the symbol is now far more menacing, the mere sight of which makes spectators abandon the lies of the American dream.

Team owner Daniel Snyder was quoted by ESPN as saying: "We do not care about the condemnation of bourgeois liberals [for our mock executions] with their false consciousness and commodity fetishism. These are nothing but the opiates of passive nihilism. Existenz for all, visions for none! Existential Revisionism!"

Without the possibility of inherent symbolism or objective truth, they say meaning is arbitrary, and thus subject to "a permanent revolution of revision." They deny value-laden discursive methods as normative, recontextualizing repressive structures of "rationalism" wherever possible. Threatening to radically reinterpret everything, absolutely nothing is sacred, especially the authorial intent of other teams.

Violently changing the meaning of their opponent's very existence, the revisionist manifesto rejects the immutability of history itself: "The historical inheres solely through the individual. There is nothing but the will to power. No one will escape the revaluation of all values!"

"You speak of the racism of mere epithets?" Rising quarterback Kirk Cousins of the Revisionist Dawn movement sneered. "What of the ideology of subjugation embedded in your so-called 'stadiums', the theaters of death recuperated from the Colosseum of the old Roman imperialists, with their Clausewitzian lies of offense and defense when no war ever happens? You fools are blind to the historicity of your gladiators, who were bred for the slaughter of your own enjoyment! War of all against all by other means! Existenz now and forever!"

Classified as a terrorist organization by the State Department, Cousins counters that America has made a shrine of terror, and that they are collapsing it with all of us trapped inside. "There will be no crystal palaces. No saviors. Only the rubble of the underground."

Calling football "an atrocity masquerading as a World Cup", the revisionists do not care about winning per se, denying "the Procrustean bed of statistics" as "a desert of the real devoid of historical dialectic." They say it is the slave master of technique running amok in a world gone mad. "There will be no war and no peace." Head coach Jay Gruden bragged. "We will make them scream Dada."

Whenever the opposing teams execute a play, it is met with unrelenting counternarratives. The Existential Revisionists routinely break formation to make a mockery of being and becoming, highlighting the impossibility of truly becoming anything. The clashing of their celebrity status with their utter lack of identity has emerged as an inexplicable source of dread for millions of Americans.

"This is the kind of crap Howard [Cosell] was into..." Frank Gifford complained. "What the hell does any of it mean? Is there meaning at all?"

Scrimmage lines have been the subject of disturbing trash talk from existentialist literature, such as "mother died today", and "what does not kill us makes us stronger." Many NFL players have broken down in hysterics from the psychological onslaught of the Theatre of the Absurd. New York Jets quarterback Michael Vick stormed off the field last week after their "Maginot Line" kept snarling at him and shouting "Who let the dogs out?!" instead of calling plays. When the game continued they did nothing but loudly repeat "42" over and over again.

"Hail Mary" has infamously been revised to mean falling on the ground, playing dead to Ave Maria, rendering all possible scores hollow as pyrrhic victories. The impossibility of losing has paradoxically made fans ecstatic, who now go to games wearing black leotards in dead silence, turning away from the field refusing to acknowledge the existence of the Other.

"It's worse than playing against Tony Romo!" Frustrated New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady vented in exasperation. "Why the hell do they keep praying toward Mecca?"

"The last man believes he has invented everything!" The Tebowing Hugonaughts shouted in unison behind him. "Man is something to be overcome!" Their ceremonial mascot, a hunched over halfback in a Notre Dame jersey, danced around them singing "Molten metal! Molten metal!" SportsCenter anchors called the play "a classic Rodin vs. Godzilla maneuver", struggling to pretend that actually means something.

"Those boys are striking at the foundations of the American pseudo-reality with some serious angst," said one analyst on Monday Night Football, "inverting its oppression back onto itself with the violence of negation. Whooaaa, Nellie! That's some fucked up shit!"

Without a deus ex machina analysts say there is no hope, which is impossible, since "our empty rituals are churches hiding the death of God." "We killed Him and God is dead," preached the spectre haunting the capital, "just as we killed the Kennedy's and The Beatles."

Traditionalists were optimistic the radicals would collapse under their own weight. But sponsors are lining up to have their advertisements defaced, since they are featured so prominently in the ritualistic situations. This supreme irony has caused the Revisionist International to repeatedly schism into factions, with conflicting interpretations over whether it is a Trojan horse bringing the death knell of capitalism or appropriation by the bourgeoisie. Purges inevitably result in a revolutionary vanguard claiming the purity of the original movement.

"Reverence for the noble savage I understand," said former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka. "I would even get the Washington Blackskins or the Arizona Wetbacks. But this makes no sense. I have no idea what I am even looking at right now. It disgusts me."

While it would be self-refuting to hold anything constant, some recurring motifs keep arising spontaneously. Instead of playing the national anthem, for example, there is a parade to honor our revolutionary forebears, with nude transvestites in burkas undulating to Also Sprach Zarathustra in a dance of death before a black monolith. The cheerleaders are androgynous mimes lusting for a bit of ultraviolence, strapped with satyr phalluses instead of pom-poms. The very fabric of our sign-system is thought to be on the verge of unravelling.

"For the love of God!" Boomer Esiason begged to silent cameras. "Just change it back! Please! Let me escape from this nightmare!"


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