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Abortion Clinic Sends Another Soul To Heaven

Catholic Bishop Scopes Out Third-Trimester Fetus Using High-Powered Sniper Rifle

Sunday Sept. 21st, 2014:

PHILADELPHIA -- The Catholic Archdioceses of Philadelphia honored Dr. Vincenzo Ribaldi this morning with a rare Papal Order of Knighthood, making the world famous abortionist the only living member of the Supreme Order of Christ since the death of King Baudouin of Belgium twenty years ago. Catholicism has warmly embraced infanticide in the past decade, calling it the greatest gift to the poor that man can bestow upon himself.

"I am humbled by the prestige of this most holy honor," the Franciscan priest told reporters. "It is my only hope that I may continue with mercy and grace, for as long as I am able, helping the most vulnerable among us to be freed from the burden of sin. There are so many more souls to save."

Heralding his good works since the abolition of limbo for unbaptized infants, Ribaldi has dedicated his Blessed Mother of the Immaculate Conception abortion clinics to the sole purpose of destroying sins of the flesh, preventing the souls of the innocent from ever being damned to Hell. The Holy See has praised the Catholic gynecologist as a keeper of the faith, saying he has sent more souls to Heaven than anyone since Jesus Christ.

While Mother Teresa notoriously said abortion was "the greatest destroyer of peace" in her Nobel Prize lecture, she is now regarded as having erred, misinterpreting catechism as "a friend of poverty rather than the poor."

Rather than waste resources on missionaries who merely spread alms and teachings, the church has begun opening abortion clinics in impoverished communities throughout the world. Supplementing the work of secular doctors who perform tubal ligations on poor women without consent, the volunteers provide services with church donations, contributing to the beneficent effect of reducing despair and severely restricting the number of unwealthy children in the most rapidly growing continents.

Within a generation, urban street crime is expected to become almost non-existent, as well as bringing desperately needed stability to Third World countries and church laity outside of Europe. Most importantly of all, however, millions of souls will be saved.

"Only the most conservative Protestants support total predestination," explained Ribaldi, whose work is supported primarily by the Vatican Bank, "and they suffer from scriptural error. The most merciful thing to do is to terminate the unborn, managing the pain of life by not only sparing them the risk of eternal torment, but sending them immediately to paradise with the Holy Mother."

He added: "Life begins at conception, after all."

The theological shift on the subject of abortion, following the death of John Paul II, surprised many observers outside of the faith but is widely regarded as having sound liturgical foundations. Catholic school girls lay prostrate before a congregation wearing holy vestments, being purged of their sin with a ritualistic cleansing of their wombs. Abortion doctors preach their prescriptions in Latin, transubstantiating the child into the Holy Spirit.

"I really felt the salvation of the Black Madonna on that altar," said Agnieska Wojtczak, 16, the most recent vessel of God's love, "It was comforting to be surrounded by the same altar boys who got me pregnant. There was nothing embarrassing about it."

Hardline charismatics who disagree with the new interpretation of limbo and purgatory, feeling that the mother will be punished unto her offspring, hold that the souls of everyone involved will be damned. While allowing the possibility that he will burn forever for his slaughter of the unborn, Ribaldi says that is a small price to pay, having saved countless souls who would have inevitably fallen with time. He has been praised as "a spiritual Jack Kevorkian" for his self-sacrifice.

"Would only a single fetus be resurrected, he would admit he was wrong, and we would stop," Pope Francis I said of the countless infants blessed with death, "and that has never happened, not once, in spite of thousands of third-trimester abortions. What he has done is truly Opus Dei. God's will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven."

"He is a saint," the Pope added. "It is miraculous."


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